Saturday, November 14, 2009
Without You: The lay of the landscape for a temporarily motherless daughter and her well-intentioned daddy.
On Wednesday, I was struck with the thought that life as a noncitizen in Korea certainly has been conforming more to the world of work and life that we all are familiar with, and far less to the dream of travel, adventure and sightseeing that one sojourns to a foreign country to live out. Of course, we are experiencing quite a bit that we haven't before, but that result has more to do with the simple fact that we are here and not at home, and less with any time we have to actually plan and carry out sightseeing trips. The main difference that we are living out in this country is that my income is modestly increased and the apartment size is markedly decreased. I had come to Korea unmarried and forethought-free in 2001 to work in this same manner, and I left in 2003. And, though I believe I've been doing work-wise and finance-wise better with my family than on my own, as has been the case since I married, I still cling to that goal of Natalie growing and expanding in those ways unique to interacting with countries, cultures and ways of thinking not generally encountered in one's native country. And she has done many things here that won't be possible once we return home. However, just experiencing life here trying to raise her has somewhat steered my sights and tempered my expectations. I have a feeling that when we do reach home again, the urge to keep them in place and build relationships will outstrip the desire to have her experience every little new thing that comes along. She is running into people, and people are human. In significant ways, we all act like each other; we all, as societies, manifest habits and quirks that require our best individual attempts to avoid them.The day after she had to go to The Lady Upstairs, as we both call the upstairs mother, so unkindly early, I realized that she seemed, and to this point still seems, to be exhibiting regularly two conflicting behaviors: Upon arriving, she couldn't bring herself to go in for a short while, showing actual reluctance to enter and having to have her shoes removed for her and be placed into the room. She's always been wary of the unknown person that way, but, after all, she had been going up there for more than a week and should have been used to the routine. I did then and do now put it down to her inability to leave her most enduring daily routine, that of spending her time within the circle of family almost exclusively. Through the daughter experience, I now understand her dependence on her family. I have developed that same dependence.
Then, as if her hours had granted some kind of release from that mindset, when I got back in the afternoon to pick her up, she ignored my calls to get ready to go, preferring to play for several more minutes. She wasn't unpleasantly insistent about staying, but I resolved to give her the time to transition. This divergent morning-late afternoon pattern has continued, and I don't see that it will alter itself, nor does it have to. I've learned to expect a brief period between the time I arrive and the time we actually say goodbye for the day. The only time this changed was yesterday morning, Wednesday, when she was all ready and I was getting a few things together for her before we actually got out the door. As usual, even though I knew she would hesitate at the upstairs door, she was insistent that we get going, for she has her fond conceivings about her day place. Suddenly, she announced, half out loud, that "I'm gonna go up by myself", and, without hesitation, she was out the door. Now, she has heard beyond many times counting that I never find it acceptable for her to be anywhere at any time where I can't see her. However, Natalie Alyzabeth White is a strong will with a world full of things she wants to do by herself, and I knew that what she had said was the thing that she really was going to do, and the echo of the stairway told the tale, so I still lingered to finish my own preparations. And, since what I was doing was cutting carrots to take upstairs for her, I had to decide to follow her up and give the speech about running off that we both knew she was going to get. Yet, she was definitely there, as if made for the space, and our brief meeting and goodbye were amiable. I am not aware that she had any hesitations at all that time about entering, because she did it all herself. I know that she is a mere child of 3, but I wonder sometimes about the mind I can't see. Has it grown beyond her years? Does she know anything about doing and feeling and acting that she cannot express yet and her physical self can't indicate? I am keen to prepare for change and averse to it at the same time.
I'm sure that all this is some small manifestation of having her mother away, a replacement environment, no matter how temporary. I'm sorry for every moment I can't be with her, especially since she's gotten used to seeing at least one of us all the time. Especially since this is her mandatory breaking-away period from the constant of nursing. That's been her security blanket, Janeen's worry as it has gone on, and my opportunity to reassure my wife and prolong my vision of my daughter's innocence and childhood. Now, Natalie is missing for the moment all that her mother has represented for almost four years. I guess it's only natural to expect her to try to fill the empty space with the available materials. However, this has been my opportunity to fret: about too-rapid change and about my abilities as a solo bringer-upper. If I didn't before, I now surely realize that my daughter and all sons and daughters need the mother-father balance. The fulcrum is centered deep inside the child.
| posted by John at 3:34 PM
