Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Feeling like a crummy parent these days...
Living here in Korea has really left me feeling like the worst parent in the world. First of all, we're crammed into a one bedroom apartment which is smaller than most one bedroom apartments you'd find in the US because there really isn't a livingroom area. Technically, the kitchen is the livingroom but the kitchen table kind of takes up most of the space that would be use for a couch and a TV. There IS no room for a couch here so for sitting, we're left with the bed (that's on the floor), the floor, or the kitchen chairs which aren't really all that comfortable. We're all crammed in one room for bed time and I mean CRAMMED, the bedroom is TINY and has room for a queen sized bed, a mat, and the stand for the TV. There's a floor to ceiling closet/storage thing but it's been leaking water since December and therefore is not at all appropriate to store anything in (unless we want mold on it). The bathroom is barely big enough for the tub John bought and many times, we're limited to quick showers. Basically, there really is no room for a second child.We have not had insurance for Natalie for the last year or so. We have not been able to really take Natalie to a doctor. We tried one time and she freaked out SO badly that we really could not get anything done. We declined the blood draw and chest x-ray which then had the doctor deciding that she would NOT see her. This doctor wasn't a ped but after that fiasco, I have not at all been interested in finding another doctor.
Our eating has been horrendous. There's no wheat bread here; there's very little variety in food period and Natalie STILL will not eat meat. We do what we can but for the most part, we feed her what we can get her to actually eat and sometimes, she gets WAAAAY too much in the way of sugar and junk.
She hasn't been to a dentist in closer to two years. I don't even know how to begin finding a dentist for a child her age. We do brush her teeth at night but still, she's well overdue for a check-up.
Money is WAY tighter here than it EVER was in the US. I can't buy her clothes here. I have to buy them in the US because the sizes here are impossible to figure out. Shoes are even worse than clothes. She's been wanting a bike forever but the money just hasn't been there for it because they are obscenely expensive.
Very likely, especially the way things are going, she's not going to get to see the only person she knows as a grandparent before he dies. And that just kills me.
So, with all of that and more on my shoulders, I can't help but feel like the crappiest parent in the world. We really had it together back in the US and then we came over here and it all fell apart. I'm trying to get us back to the US but it just seems like when I'm finally making progress on that, something goes wrong. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I can't help but feel that I don't at all deserve this baby I'm carrying, that if anything, I should go back to the US long enough to give it up for adoption. I'm barely able to take care of the child I have now much less the one I'm carrying. I'm just feeling very overwhelmed and very depressed and I just don't know what to do anymore.
| posted by Janeen at 9:48 AM
